Humorous Writing Sample

The Panda Problem

For those of you who want to believe in a God, I’ve got great news, he most likely has a sense of humor. The only piece of evidence you need in support of this claim is the Panda. Because of the panda’s cute and cuddly nature we have this great desire to preserve it. Yes, that appears to be the trend - if something is utterly useless but cute, let’s pour thousands into preserving it. Heck, I’m not saying it’s a pointless endeavor, only that the panda as a species does not have the will to live nor is it biologically made to survive.

First, let’s take a look at the panda’s colors. We’ve got a black and white bear that was once thought to be an exceptionally large raccoon living in south western China. When you take a look at its habitat, everything is brown and green. At this point one can conclude that the panda is one of three things: exceptionally lucky, has no predators, or is some sort of attention whore that relies on its cuddly nature to thwart the efforts of its predators. Indeed, the panda works some sort of magic in this regard, because as one may or may not know, cute and cuddly doesn’t always cut it – just look at the harbor seals in Canada.

You might be saying to yourself, “oh come on, if that’s all you got on the panda, then you can just quit cause you haven’t convinced me.” Well, I bring you perhaps the strongest piece of evidence: the panda’s reproductive process. The female panda is only fertile three days out of the year. As the female panda approaches her partner in the heat of the moment, the male panda will often look at her wearily as he eats his bamboo and swat away any attempts on her part to get the party started. Instead, the male is content with sitting on his butt muffin and getting fat instead of making his woman feel sexy. The panda clearly has lost the will to live and has no interest in preserving its genetics without the aid of panda porn.

And so we are left with one very important life lesson: be cute or die. I’m just thankful I’ve managed to hit the cute quota when it comes to other people. The true test will come after the Martian invasion. I, for one, will welcome our new alien overlords, their 12’x9’ cell, and three square meals a day.